The line : Fear

First of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance. - Franklin D. Roosevelt


I believe I was in first grade, the night of the event. The night my Dad told me to go back to bed. At the time I was having nightmares, with this paralyzing fear. Begging and pleading not go to bed, I tried to get out of going to sleep. However, once the inevitable happened and I was in my room I would make the best of the situation. A fortress with my pillows, usually did the trick .. Steaming hot sweat would be drip down my face as I pulled the blanket up and over me, covering my face. Torn between feeling smothered and shutting out the shaking fear, I had chosen to be smothered.

At first my parents were sympathetic, but as the weeks turned to months their mercy grew thin. I would wake up in the middle of the night get up and go crawl into bed with them. They tried everything…. Making me listen to worship tapes when I went to bed, praying with me and even changing the list of movies I could watch. My Dad bought a baseball bat and set it next to the font door. He wanted to show me the object he would use to slaughter any intruder with. .. But nothing helped. The fear was so terrorizing and numbing that I wasn’t able to block it out.

Each dream less evening led up to me walking out of my room late one night and into the living room, where my parents were watching T.V. I expected this moment to be like all of the others, my parents trying to comfort me and tell me it was ok. I was shock to find my Dad saying:

Ashley we’re not doing this again. It ends tonight. Mom and I have tried everything we know. This is a battle you need to fight on your own.. Everyone faces fear. You think I’m never afraid? All fear does is change its subject matter as you age. I battle fear of something happening to you, your mom, and your sister. I wonder how the bills will get paid. Each day I make a choice. If you don’t draw a line in the sand daring the enemy to cross it, he will run all over you. At what point are you going to get fed up with not sleeping through the night? Now go back to bed, and deal with this fear.

I can recall thinking who is this person? I thought my Dad loved me. Why didn’t he become superman, and save me? Jumping into bed, I re-built my defense pillows, until once again the icy hand of fear touched me. But, this time I was mad. Pushing the pillows off my bed and I begin to shout, scream, yell, every scripture verse that came to my mind….. and … magic happened. The fear vaporized into a screen of smoke.

Many times we want God to save us or to hear a thus says the lord prayer….. However, it could the answer from God is, “Ashley would you please convert your retreat into a advance?.” My Dad was right fears don’t disappear with age they simply changed their subject matter. There are moments I want to become 5 years old again and cover my self with the blanket. But, then I feel the crossing line inside of me give a tug. So I do what my Dad taught me…. I go back to bed and face my fears.

For God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear but of love power and a sound mind.